Monday, July 03, 2006

First!

I never understood the desire to be the first to post a comment on a web page.

I wish "I never understood" was my way of saying "I'm not being judgmental, I'm just curious about a behavior that suggests strange impulses at work." But it's more my way of saying "I am judgmental about this, because it seems like a petty attempt to assert dominance over a crowd, or to prove one's self, but I'm uncomfortable with that critical aspect of myself, so I'll express my disdain as indirectly as possible."

Partway through writing that last paragraph, I realized another way to interpret the need to post first: it might be the same impulse that has kids run impromptu races across a playground, just for the fun of it. It could be a form of play.

Hunh. It frustrates me that it takes so long for my brain to come up with a positive spin on a behavior like that. (On the other hand, reading Internet comments is going to make that optimism hard to come by.)

I cast a lot of silent judgments on people -- in general and towards individuals -- and what they do. In so many cases, my first, inner view of others is usually negative, while the opinions I express to all but my closest friends are usually conciliatory, or downright defensive on behalf of those strangers/friends/vague-conceptions-of-imagined-people.

I think it's good to have opinions -- if anything, I wish I could find and express more of them. But the split between "what I feel inside" and "what I end up saying" is substantial.

More to the point -- and I'm fishing around in here looking for a point -- this illustrates how Who I Am Inside gets throttled by Who I Wish I Was, and the tension between the two ends up creating Who I Appear To Be.

Well. This isn't how I expected to start out my blog. I intended to use this place to write about my life and work, and all the bits of them in my present and past, and let bits of myself sneak out through that process. But apparently I needed to throw myself on the couch and start baring my dark and stinky innards before you get to know me. (Whoever "you" are.) I knew doing this would be therapeutic, in part, but maybe I should try to be entertaining as well?

In any case, this is my first post of what (at 12:44 in the a.m.) seems like the place where I'd be putting my writing for a long time. Maybe I'll be back tomorrow.

In the meantime: First!

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